Sometimes, I cuss like a sailor. I am not always proud of it, and I have actually wrestled with conquering this nasty habit for most of my life.
Recently, I have again begun my rigorous (if futile) attempts to rein in my tongue. My beloved college professor, Dr. H, used to say, “People who cuss have limited vocabulary”. I agree. My grief over the last few years has limited my vocabulary.
In the past, I would rationalize that I was grieving, and my…everything was limited while I processed things. Lately, though, I have begun to dislike the limitations on my vocabulary. I have yearned for a cleaner mouth, an expanded imagination and an inventive approach to expressing my frustrations.
The fact that I have recently been struggling with a health issue which involves weeks of trial and error to”regulate levels” (translation: get me back to feeling like the old me, pre-thyroid issues), has only added to my frustration.
A dearly loved family member of mine is aging and I have been reflecting on her legacy. I have been chagrined to realize that despite my best attempts to reflect Christ in my life by being a woman of grace and poise, a woman of elegant discretion and eloquent language; it seems hopeless.
I have a mouth which frequently lips off ahead of my brain. My temper flares, my ego inflates, and too often I rush into a caustic situation like a flame thrower when I need to be a damper on a fire.
I have prayed and lamented the fact that I don’t think I will ever be the person of whom people say,”I don’t have a single negative memory of her”.
It hurts a bit in my soul to know that I try so hard to fall and fail so….flagrantly. If my life were a basketball game, I would be ejected for a flagrant foul (my language).
That being said, I have asked God what my purpose is. I have prayed so many times and received prayer so many times and set up a fining system for my language so many times, all to hit the same dead end…again.
His answer was not exactly what I wanted to hear.
For those of you who think there is absolutely no possible way that God’s love and redemption could be deep enough or wide enough or full enough to cover and completely overwhelm your mistakes and failures…YOU ARE WRONG. HIS LOVE IS DEEPER THAN YOUR FAILURE!
I live it on a daily basis.
If His love and goodness can see me as a beloved child, in spite of all my missteps and language errors and lippy-ness; THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU BELOVED!
I pray that He may grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power in the inner man through His Spirit, and that the Messiah may dwell in your hearts through faith. I pray that you, being rooted and firmly established in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God’s love, and to know the Messiah’s love that surpasses knowledge, so you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:16-19 HCSB
May his fullness dwell in you…and me. May you and I have a fresh revelation of the love that is able to consume our sins.
Beloved, lift your eyes to Him and be loved.