Here I am on steroids, with insomnia. James and I received word this week that his ex wife may join us at church today. I was taken aback, and honestly very fearful and territorial. “Can’t she find you at a church that isn’t ours?” I believe were my exact words. It felt like a sucker punch when I realized how wrong I was. I have been convicted of my lack of compassion for her over the last year, and have even begun the tenuous journey through praying fervently for her to discover you and your love for her, first because it would be the best possible thing for the kids if she was settled in her identity in you, but over time, you have given me what I thought was an impressive amount of concern for her and her spiritual health.
That was before she decided to come randomly and visit our church. James chided me gently for calling it “our church” since in reality it is your church, and I am an honored guest who doesn’t deserve to even darken the door on my best days…neither does anyone without your grace and mercy.
To be quite honest and candid, I have been convicted in the last month of my own personal idolatry. I have been falsely and humiliating-ly worshiping my agenda, my ideas, my preferences and my comfort level instead of worshiping you. I have been so concerned with me and my self awareness and my feelings that there had been little time or space for discovering your feelings, your will, and even your loving desires for those around me.
If I truly meant my commitment to you, if it wasn’t just lip service but instead it was a reflection of my truest desire to live for you by your grace and for your glory, then the bottom line is I need to get over myself.
Please forgive me for being such a….spoiled acting selfish woman who would ever dare to place ownership on your church. You alone are Good and you alone are God. I am not. You are good and your love endures forever. Who am I to attempt to decide who that unconstrained love could or should reach out for? You are God and I am not.
I am on steroids and you are not so today, Jesus…take over my mouth, my thoughts, my emotions, my hormones, my actions and demeanor, and my heart. I believe that you are love. I deeply desire your love to flow through me more than anything today. Be glorified. Be increased in me, and minimize my desires for me.
Love, your girl Gracie. Amen.