The following is an unfiltered, unedited quote from the monologue I recently spit out like an epithet at James (and we subsequently texted to a very patient friend…Stacey, you are.a.saint!)
“I think my ovary just died….seriously, it is way past the date of recommended daily use. I am pretty sure that I just about birthed my uterus, so now I can officially walk like I rode a bucking bronco [yes I had the self control to say “bucking” and that’s what I meant 😉 ] Now I sit like I am flippin’ pregnant even though I am not…unless you count that I am “pregnant” with a fallen uterus…which has to literally be on the chair with my legs sprawled out like a cheerleader mid-jump. I am so HOT! Seriously, did we mistakenly turn on the heat in here? James, I am in a swimsuit, with a fan blowing on me and the air conditioner thermostat states it is at 71° but that has to be a lie! No way! Yes, I see that Rex is wearing a winter coat in the house….but the child has frail bones, maybe he should run around a bit. Oh, you brought me more ice for my water? Oh my…I don’t know why I am crying!!! It is just so sweet of you. *Sniff* Yes, I know that I have eaten half a jar of pickles and the entire block of cheddar cheese, but now I want to eat a raisin bagel with cheese and pickles on it. *sniff* Will you please hug me?”
That poor man.
My friend Stacey had mentioned that she had some extra hot flash support in the form of a rhubarb extract. We texted her the following message:
“Need rhubarb extract. Ovary R.I.P. Cannot ride heat wave anymore. Help? Thanks, James”
Dark humor? √
Over it? √
Attempting to find a way to worship through the hormonal influx? √ This is all I got.
God, I am so thankful that you have a sense of humor!
Meanwhile, could you please send us a (mild) cold front over to my general vicinity? Or maybe, provide us with a month’s supply of smoothies?
editor’s note: The day after I wrote this, it rained unexpectedly and A COLD FRONT MOVED IN! Thank God…no more swimsuit in the kitchen! 😉