Mrs. J.

Reminder - You are beloved! (c)Gracie K. Harold 2014

Reminder – You are beloved! (c)Gracie K. Harold 2014

Dear Mrs. J.,

Thank you.  I was best friends with your son all the way through High School and some of college.  One week, during Spring of my Freshman year in college, you kept getting “nudges” to pray for my reproductive organs. You told me later that it was “weird”, but you did it.

My ovarian cyst ruptured that week.  I lost a lot of blood, and when they went in for surgery, they fully expected to either do a hysterectomy, or remove an ovary, etc. They were rather surprised to see that they only needed to drain the blood.

Almost twenty years later, I am celebrating the three beautiful “bonus” children and the three beautiful children of my womb that I get to hold in my arms along with the two children who were held in my womb…even if they are only now held in my heart.

I don’t claim to know why your particular prayer was answered “yes”, when other ones for fertility have been “no” or “wait”.

I don’t understand why I still lost the two babies that I miss.

But I am so thankful for the extra time that I was given, for the stolen moments of a miraculous creation…five times.

Through it all, Mrs. J.,  I have learned that motherhood is not just physical.  It’s visceral, spiritual, emotional, and physical.

I am a mother.

I have a “Mother Heart” for all the children that I have ever loved; my own, my “bonus children”, my miscarried ones, the ones that I had hoped to adopt, the ones I had hoped to carry in my womb, the ones that I teach, the ones that I smile at in the store, the ones that I baby-sit, or bounce on my knee at church.

Your prayer may have gifted me with extra years for my womb to produce, but the time allowed my heart to produce more offspring than I ever dreamed of.

Thank you seems so small…so consider this my virtual “hug”.

And by the way, God?  Here.  You already have my heart.  Today, I offer you back the uterus that you loaned to me.  I really did try to take care of it, but I am sorry for all the years that I wasted not appreciating it for the gift that it is.  Thank you for allowing me to have a Mother Heart, and for enlarging it more than I ever dreamed it could be.

Love,

Gracie

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2 thoughts on “Mrs. J.

    • Thank you, Dani! I cannot believe that I used to be afraid of sharing my thoughts and feelings. It’s so liberating to put a voice to my struggles. Ironically, the thing I once feared doing is the very thing that aids in disarming my fears. Your compliment means a lot!

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