I am restless today. I’m tired of sitting still and I don’t like not being able to drive. I agree with it, as I am too tired to drive, but the very idea of it is rather…oh, I can’t think of any word except “pissy”. (Maybe I am the pissy one…)
My thoughts are as tumultuous as the photograph above. I feel that progress has been made emotionally as I have reestablished boundaries, and adjusted accordingly, and today I chose to keep my emotions in check as I acknowledged them yet still had full control over my decisions. Apparently I am growing up.
If only I could be rid of the melancholy state that comes from making positive changes. Instead, I sit and ponder why it took me so long to get here; how I felt in the moment before I decided to move on, and I tend to wallow in what was instead of what now is.
I took a stand today, doggone it. I stood up for myself and refused to be the “blamed-one”, the “accused-one”, or the “scapegoat”. I refused to take blame when I did nothing wrong. I found my moxie. I like it. Boundaries are rather liberating. Speaking the truth in love, yet in an assertive voice while refusing to be intimidated was…flipping awesome (for lack of a better phrase).
I once heard a story about a man who found a cocoon. He watched as a butterfly began struggling to emerge. Overcome with pity at the struggle that the butterfly was engaged in, the man grabbed the cocoon and began to breakthrough to the fragile creature inside. He was distraught when the butterfly died. He later discovered that the butterfly’s wings develop strength as they struggle to breakthrough the cocoon. When the breakthrough struggle was denied the butterfly, it died. It needed the struggle to become strong enough to fly.
Lately, I have been consumed with the struggle. I have whined and asked that it be removed, instead of seeing that maybe, the very struggle that I despise is a necessary preparation so that I can change, and become a freer version of myself.
Eventually, I trust that I will see a series of breakthroughs. Instead of only seeing the tumultuous, or the reflection, I will see the breakthrough.