I divulged a ” whole lotta” truth about me in the last week. I expected it to be unnerving, but I had no idea how weird it would feel. I remember the times that I have spent in a cast or an immobilizer due to injuries. Once the “brace” was removed, my limb would have the sensation of floating; and the stark reality of my muscles’ atrophy would be grossly apparent. That’s a bit like this. I feel lighter now that the truth is revealed, yet I am also simultaneously aware of how atrophied some of my emotions have become.
I spent so much energy protecting the kids and myself that it slowly became self-preservation. I continually increased the strength of my independence and “guardedness” while my ability to trust and be vulnerable faded and grew weaker. I craved friendships and relationships, and I would invest in others; but only to a certain point. I would divulge part of my story in a detached, emotion free way…but I wouldn’t fully embrace my story and take ownership of it.
I became adeptly skilled at asking questions and keeping conversation moving around other topics in a desperate attempt to live in the “uninterrupted reality” that we had grown used to.
James married me, though. I have a degree in Communications. No matter how I tried, intentionally or not; I couldn’t hide from him. I didn’t want to hide anymore. My heart yearned to truly be known. From the beginning of our friendship, I have been completely and utterly at ease. I can’t help but be the best person that I am when I am with him. He brings out the goofiest, most sarcastic, teasing part of me; yet somehow he manages to stir up an insatiable passion for more of Christ.
I understand that it’s all because James has his eyes fixed securely on Christ. Somehow, as he focuses there, he loves me with a compassionate and fierce acceptance that points me to Christ as I draw closer to both of them.
It’s the most incomprehensible and beautiful way of alluring me out of my defense mechanisms. I feel my faith and trust growing in strength daily as my once-atrophied muscles are exercised again. I’m slowly leaving the emotional apathy behind as I become the emotionally exuberant one.