Emotional Regurgitation by Gracie K. Harold
Memory-induced insomnia is the worst. All the breathing tips and relaxation techniques cannot usher in the sleep which eludes me. We watched a movie tonight which triggered a mess of bad memories from the abuse I endured in the past; leaving me feeling raw and exposed.
Normally, in the past; I would have pulled back and not told James what was bothering me or even that I was bothered. Tonight, I had courage. I didn’t pull back from him…I leaned in. I gently spoke the truth about my fears and memories and insecurities.
James is NOT THE SAME MAN that my ex-husband was. James listened. James held me. He encouraged me to share more; and patiently sat beside me holding my hand while I did.
He fell asleep holding me. Note that I said “he fell asleep”. I am still wide awake…through no fault of his, I just am. His last words were, “I will hold you all night, baby.” His shoulder has been sore from work, and he rolled over. (He tried…)
James is NOT THE SAME MAN that my ex-husband was.
Honestly, I feel battle-scarred and a bit intimidated tonight. I don’t feel beautiful or lovely in this moment of remembrance. It’s an emotional regurgitation to recall so many ugly & hideous things that were said and done to me by my ex.
The abuse that I survived and the names that I was called DO NOT DEFINE ME ANYMORE. That is NOT who I am! He can’t steal this moment from me; he cannot have my happiness.
James loves me. I deserve to be loved; in fact I believe that I was created to be loved. I am loved by a kind, tenderhearted Daddy God who won’t sleep at night so He can watch over me! (Psalm 121:4 says, “He who watches over [you] will neither slumber nor sleep”). James is amazing; and he’s human. He is limited by his needs to sleep, and eat, and just generally limited by life…we all are. He cannot be everything to me; he cannot be expected to be everything to me because he is human. There is absolutely no possible way that he could meet every single one of my needs.
I need someone who is available 24/7; without needing to sleep or take a break. Sounds like I, in my neediness; am the perfect match for an Almighty God who is big enough to handle my neediness.
What do you need? He’s big enough to handle it; simply ask.